Potty-Train 101

Candidates for our next 36-month potty train diploma course may now enroll. Below follows a brief overview of the intended syllabus and all prospective students are requested to kindly review this in detail before applying.

Introduction:

I’ve always been amazed at the number of men’s bathrooms in the so-called professional office environment where there are notices on the walls such as: “Please leave this facility clean and tidy.” What the heck? Isn’t that good old general knowledge which does not justify such notices?

Apparently not. I’m equally amazed with the number of times I enter such facilities and find the ...uhm... ‘equipment’ in less than desirable fashion or form. And since I honestly do not have a strong stomach, and due to the fact that it does not take much to make me retch, I decided to present this course to all interested guys.

I am of the firm belief that successful students will be able to apply the knowledge gained in this course as much at home as at the office.

Outcome 1: The lid: Up or down?

There is no right or wrong answer to this frequently asked question. A compromise between yourself and your spouse (if applicable) needs to be reached in order to satisfy all users of home toilet and bathroom facilities. This is not good enough justification for a divorce!

Outcome 2: The lock on the door

It’s interesting to note that approximately 95% of all stalls’ doors in public restrooms (including toilets at airports, stations, and restaurants), and around 60% in office blocks, appear to be broken. Like in FUBAR (F*c*ed Up Beyond All Repair). What I fail to understand, is how these get broken in the first place. The lock, whether it’s a slider or a turn-type device, should be SABS approved for millions of uses before naturally becoming defective. But it seems that guys constantly try to pry open and close these poor things with all the strength that they can master, hence succeeding in breaking them within hours of installation.

In this objective, students will, with the necessary practical experience, learn to open and close such door locks to retain their state of being fully functional and serviceable for the next user thereof. Because everybody who has tried to use a toilet while keeping an eye (and one foot) on the semi-open door knows that this can never be a pleasurable experience.

Outcome 3: The hole in the door

This amazing phenomena is more relevant to public places. Why and how there must always be a hole in the door (and in some cases even in the dividers between stalls), is a total mystery to me. And it seems like the efforts of people closing these up with pieces of white gold (toilet paper if you haven’t been in the army) are generally in total vain. I’ve never been a pervert and I also will never be one. But just the thought of someone’s eye appearing at such hole in the door while I’m trying my best to have a quick crap, is enough to drive me into a serious state of prolonged constipation.

In this objective, students will be forcefully taught how to resist the urge to make holes in toilet doors. In the practical session that will follow, they will be forced to use the toilet whilst someone is peeping through such a hole, making soft, snickering noises with the occasional grunt or two.

Outcome 4: Using the toilet whilst standing up

Guys, I do not care how much you admire yourself in the mirror and how many times per day you do this. Nor am I impressed with your wife or girlfriend’s constant verbal appreciation of your beautiful body and the incredible size of what-ever dangles from it. That thing that you need to wee with, is much, much smaller than what you would like to think. So PLEASE stand closer to the pot. You cannot roll it out like a fire hose. And this is the time when you HAVE to put the lid UP. There is nothing more revolting than having to use a toilet which is sprayed with your urine. Or having to clean up after someone else in order to sit down. Sisss man!!

In this objective, students will be forced to drink lots of beer and to then practice the fine art of taking a leak without spraying the floor, the lid or the walls of the stall.

Outcome 5: Wrapping up

When in doubt, FLUSH. When still in doubt, FLUSH AGAIN. Look back. Make sure that everything is gone and gone for good. Just before opening the door, ensure one final time that there are no bits of paper or revolting submarines floating around to the dismay of me or who-ever needs to use the toilet after you’re gone.

This outcome is mostly of practical nature.

Outcome 6: Urinal Rules

• Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you should always choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

X...... (X == occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X **
XXX.XXX **
XXXXXXX **


** Note that the last three options are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

• Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
• Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
• Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Outcome 7: Special Cases

Some facilities nowadays have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females:

a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when you are 100% sure that there are absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're fully dressed.

Portable (outside) toilets and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other options are available.
In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms are typically not available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you’re completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute for toilet paper.

Outcome 8: General rules of conduct:

The following general points will be studied and debated:

• Cleaners are synchronized to clean all toilets on all floors of the building at exactly the same time of the day. So if you find a yellow warning sign in front of the door of facility number one, do not even bother to try another location. They will also be in the process of being cleaned.
• You will always be the one to discover that the toilet paper is done. Like in finished. We do not have politically correct suggestions of how best to address this issue, because it is not cool for guys to sit and chit-chat whilst having a poo. May the force be with you.
• Unlike their female fellow earth inhabitants, guys to not go to the loo in masses. They do it on their own, they do not talk to each other while having a leak or washing their hands, and they do not look at other guy’s tools. It’s just not on.
• If you hear funny noised in the stall next door, do not make a sound, pretend that you did not hear anything.
• If you happen to be a little more noisy than desirable, wait until everyone has vacated the space before exiting quickly and silently. Grunting is not permissible.
• A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
• If you must wait in line to use the facilities, form a single-file line, and be sure to keep looking around. Read the graffiti if and when available.
• And finally: Murphy’s 4th law of gravitation will be studied at length: Guys, no matter how well or how many time you shake, the last drop will ALWAYS be in your pants. . .

Until the next time that we meet in the boy’s room. . .